Engineered News: As Authentic As Food Trucks - Taking a Satirical Look at Skirkanich Hall

By John Singer, Triangle Writer

Skirkanich Hall Opens!
Excitement filled the hallowed halls and streets of the University of Pennsylvania on Monday, October 18th, as President Amy Gutmann cut the ribbon to announce the opening of Penn’s newest building, the long-awaited Skirkanich Hall (and I think we all agree the wait was worth it). Then, to the excitement of all, the chain-link fence was swung open to accept a new generation of Penngineers, having first imbibed heavily of the Hall’s proud motto (embossed in blue chalk upon one of the walls), “Thinking Between the Boxes.”

The Hall’s history is one full of intrigue, genius, bloodshed and anything else that will keep you reading. It all began on November 9th, 1989, when, in a symbolic end of an era, the Berlin Wall was torn down, once again allowing Berliners to mingle at will. Response to this momentous event was varied; some damned it, some wept with joy, but the students of UPenn responded in their own unique way. Filled with supreme elation (and possibly having imbibed of some other mottos), they rushed out onto 33rd street and, in an act of solidarity, tore down Pender Hall. In the following years, despite numerous attempts to name it things like “Pender Stone Garden” or “Moore Courtyard,” it was eventually decided that something must be done with the property. To this end, the university’s Grand Council met over fried Princetonians and decided to build a building that would not only have a functional building-like use but that would also be a testament to the greatness, modernity, and ingenuity of their great edifice of money laundering, the University of Pennsylvania. Thus, the hunt began for the best postmodern architect that money could buy. Twenty-four million dollars in grants and donations and four years later the first brick was laid of what would be the greatest architectural achievement since the addition of a third story to the double cheese-burger. Three weeks and zero bricks later, Skirkanich Hall was open for business.

Now for a brief look at the myriad features of the Hall, beginning with the exterior, a marvel of postmodern expression. The husband/wife architect team of Tod Williams and Billie Tsien has utilized the concept of “natural lighting,” made famous by Penn student Louis Kahn, in a new way. This technique, known as “Sans Walls” also adds the element of “natural climate,” making the building an artistic vision 100% victim to the aesthetic whims and charms of Mother Nature. However, in a quest for form, function must not be cast aside, and the Hall’s designers did not neglect this maxim. As the building is the new center for Bioengineering, ample well-stocked lab space was a must. To this end, the ground floor was left entirely open to fit gigantic sections of students and outfitted with top-of-the-line rusty wire and concrete chips that are essential for whatever bioengineers do in their six-hour lab sessions.

As for lecture halls, located on the top floor, they are designed such that only the finest students with the greatest imaginations would be able to find them once they exited the crane-evators. Attached to the main hall is an out-building dedicated to the honor group SKANSKA (Society for the Kinetic Application of Nanotechnologies for the Killing of Archeobacteria); a research program dedicated in making volcanoes, deep sea trenches, and meteors infection free environments. There is much more, but I fear it is beyond my humble abilities to describe it, so please refer to the diagram.

Being a Penngineer has always been great, but I must say that we have been plagued with the eyesore of this construction site for far too long. Now that this building is finally complete, I think we all will benefit: the bioengineers with a new building filled with their fellows and the rest of us by having to deal with the bioengineers that much less. The University has also benefited from the addition of this building because in all honesty, the rest of that $24 million went somewhere…